I lost my sister because of her husband. I never wanted to hurt my sister. I never wanted anything but the ability to know that I would always have her by my side, just for advice and just for family. I lost my sanity when she left. When she moved to northern California i took up cutting, and I have about ten scars on my arm since she left. The last time I saw her, we were at dinner. For once I didn't feel like the baby in the family. I felt like her best friend. I know she saw my scars but i couldn't help it. We laughed and had so much fun its a re run in my head of pain and happiness. Then I look at my pictures of me and her and her son, and I remember holding him in my arms and i remember crying the moment I saw them both. I just stood there, staring at my nephew just in awe, hoping that it could all be a dream because it felt surreal. All i heard from her was "I need to see my sister. I just need to." and then i felt her arms wrap around me and I felt safe. I felt okay. Like everything that had been missing had suddenly found the place that it once came home to everyday. I couldn't help it I cried and she whispered "Please don't cry baby girl. Please. I'm here that's all that matters." But i balled like i am right now. Because I loved her. She was and is my hero. Shes the only person that means anything. Then she went and said have you met the baby? And i cried again, as my nephew was placed in my arms and he stayed there and fell asleep in them and that was the happiest day of my life. But also the image of my nightmares. My sister doesn't speak to me. And i wish i could tell her i love her and i miss her and im sorry for anything and everything. I'll take a deal with the devil and I'll trade places with Jacob anyday. I'll be the scapegoat. I'll do anything just to see her... But that's just me holding on to a fairy-tale.
I never loved a guy so much in my life. You wanted to know how I feel about you? I feel alive and i feel happy. I feel wanted and needed. I feel angry and frustrated. I feel dorky and silly. I feel amazing and retarded. I feel like the reason you have to breathe. I feel like the reason you have to leave me because it's better for you. It's safer and better. You say you love me too much but you'll get over it. You'll be just fine. Youll learn to breathe again. To love again. To see why I wasn't good for you. You'll see. just let me go for now i'll be just fine don't ya know don't ya know now that i'm back on my own tell me how it feels to watch the walls of your security crumble i remember you . I keep breaking your heart and I can't do that anymore.
My dad, i have nothing to say to him but i love you and im sorry im not the daughter you had planned inside your head.
