Good bye Is not always goodbye

      Been a long time... A lot of changes have happened since the good ol drama with those boys with little hope and a wrecking ball for a hand. A lot of physical changes and mental changes, none the less i will remember them always. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right? But the things that do kill us... What do they do? Show us that we are weak? Or that we have no faith in the little things we begin to trust?
     I graduated high school but it still feels like i'm there. it feels like everything i have done has just gone in to greater detail in the things that i began to change. Or better yet.. Thought i had changed... Guess everything is not what it seems. Anyway, high school  graduation was full of cheers, tears, and a few too many beers but hey who can tell me how to live my life besides me. Just kidding. No drinking i just went along with the entire rhyming thing. But graduation was full of hooray's and boos for those we didn't want to lose. After all a chapter was closing and another just opening but many did not want to face the life without the comfort they had with them for four years. But life goes on and you find out who your friends are after the music and excitement is gone.. I lost a few friends that day. I lost my wife. My best friend. My right hand girl. She moved away to LA and i wish i could turn to her because I need her now more then ever... But I'm not the kind of person to hold her down by always turning to her although i really do need her. I lost some great friends. Some that had helped me through alot and got me through the rough patches. But some that stayed turned out to be way better then i expected.. which is a little scary.  Lost some not so great guys but i had plenty in my life so letting go was not really a problem more a solution that i'm happy to have solved.
     Back to the boys.... One of them is coming home and as much as i wanted to see him about 6 months ago right now i could honestly care less about it. I really couldn't give more of a damn. its just more drama i don't need. But i realized i don't need anyone to make me happy just myself and maybe a few friends to keep me sane along the way.but who knows maybe college will bring a new guy to my life.. and at the moment he can come in like two years because "im content with lonliness. because none of it was ever worth the risk"
      So alot of changes and falls along the way but good bye is not always good bye.. it could be a very warming hello or a very daunting welcome to the future we are all scared to live in... But i think im ready to face it.. whether it be with someone or it be alone... I stand on my feet. and ill remember to always be INVINCIBLE.

...

My New Super Hero <3

Plenty of Words...

Why- Jason Aldean


It's 3 AM and I finally say
I'm sorry for acting that way
I didn't really mean to make you cry
Oh baby, sometimes I wonder why


[CHORUS]
Why does it always have to come down
To you leaving
Before I'll say 'I love you'
Why do I always use the words
That cut the deepest
When I know how much it hurts you
Oh baby why, do I do that to you


I know I'd never let you walk away
So why do I push you 'til you break
And why are you always on the verge of good-bye
Before I'll show you how I really feel inside


[CHORUS]
Why does it always have to come down
To you leaving
Before I'll say 'I love you'
Why do I always use the words
That cut the deepest
When I know how much it hurts you
Oh baby why, do I do that to you


Why do I always use the words that cut the deepest
When I know how much it hurts you
Oh baby why, do I do that to you
Why do I do that to you

Cards these days.. they know how to relate

Tough Cookie – noun
1. Someone with just the right mix of sweetness and strength.
2. One who doesn’t crumble under pressure.
3. A fighter who’s too busy kicking butt to sit down and cry, but knows it’s okay to do both.
4. A person who doesn't always ask for support, but has lots of friends who would do anything to help.

Remebering Sunday.. Kinda how i feel in the Bold

Woke up from dreaming
And put on his shoes
Starting making his way past 2 in the morning 
He hasn't been sober for days
Leaning out into the breeze
Remembering Sunday he falls to his knees
They had breakfast together
But two eggs don't last like the feeling of what he needs
Now this place is familiar to him
She pulls on his hand with a devilish grin
She led him upstairs, she led him up stairs
Left him dying to get in 


Forgive me I’m trying to find
My calling, I’m calling at night
Don’t mean to be a bother
But have you seen this girl?
She’s been running through my dreams
And its driving me crazy it seems
I’m gonna ask her to marry me


Even though she doesn’t believe in love
He’s determined to call her bluff
Who can deny these butterflies
They’re filling his gut
Waking the neighbors
Unfamiliar faces he pleads though he tries
But he’s only tonight
Now he’s dying to get inside


Forgive me I’m trying to find
My calling, I’m calling at night
Don’t mean to be a bother
But have you seen this girl?
She’s been running through my dreams
And its driving me crazy it seems
I’m gonna ask her to marry me


The neighbors said she moved away
Funny how it rained all day
I didn’t think much of it then
But it started to all make sense
Oh I can see now
That all of these clouds 
Are following me in my desperate endeavor
To find my who ever
Where ever she may be


[Juliet Simms:]
I'm not coming back 
I've done something so terrible
I’m terrified to speak the truth you'd expect that from me
I’m mixed up, I’ll be blunt
Now the rain is just washing you out of my hair 
And out of my mind
keeping an eye on the world
So many thousands of feet off the ground
I'm over you now I'm not home in the clouds
Towering over your hair 


[Alex Gaskarth:]
I guess ill go home now
I guess ill go home now
I guess ill go home now
I guess ill go home now

Never Felt so Alone in My Whole Life

I lost my sister because of her husband. I never wanted to hurt my sister. I never wanted anything but the ability to know that I would always have her by my side, just for advice and just for family. I lost my sanity when she left. When she moved to northern California i took up cutting, and I have about ten scars on my arm since she left. The last time I saw her, we were at dinner. For once I didn't feel like the baby in the family. I felt like her best friend. I know she saw my scars but i couldn't help it. We laughed and had so much fun its a re run in my head of pain and happiness. Then I look at my pictures of me and her and her son, and I remember holding him in my arms and i remember crying the moment I saw them both. I just stood there, staring at my nephew just in awe, hoping that it could all be a dream because it felt surreal. All i heard from her was "I need to see my sister. I just need to." and then i felt her arms wrap around me and I felt safe. I felt okay. Like everything that had been missing had suddenly found the place that it once came home to everyday. I couldn't help it I cried and she whispered "Please don't cry baby girl. Please. I'm here that's all that matters." But i balled like i am right now. Because I loved her. She was and is my hero. Shes the only person that means anything. Then she went and said have you met the baby? And i cried again, as my nephew was placed in my arms and he stayed there and fell asleep in them and that was the happiest day of my life. But also the image of my nightmares. My sister doesn't speak to me. And i wish i could tell her i love her and i miss her and im sorry for anything and everything. I'll take a deal with the devil and I'll trade places with Jacob anyday. I'll be the scapegoat. I'll do anything just to see her... But that's just me holding on to a fairy-tale.


 I never loved a guy so much in my life. You wanted to know how I feel about you? I feel alive and i feel happy. I feel wanted and needed. I feel angry and frustrated. I feel dorky and silly. I feel amazing and retarded. I feel like the reason you have to breathe.  I feel like the reason you have to leave me because it's better for you. It's safer and better. You say you love me too much but you'll get over it. You'll be just fine. Youll learn to breathe again. To love again. To see why I wasn't good for you. You'll see. just let me go for now i'll be just fine don't ya know don't ya know now that i'm back on my own tell me how it feels to watch the walls of your security crumble i remember you .  I keep breaking your heart and I can't do that anymore. 


My dad, i have nothing to say to him but i love you and im sorry im not the daughter you had planned inside your head.

FUCK

i dont wanna talk to anyone right now.


i dont care if you are my best friend.


i dont care if its my family.


i cant make you happy you know it as well as i do. 


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